TWO BOYS AND A GIRL

I told you that I was going to deal with everything I went through in my life, as the Lord led me to write about it. Sometimes we do things that we know is against our better judgment, but because of our selfishness, we do them anyway.


It was back in 1980 I was answering the phones for our late night telecast for our church. I was real close to giving birth to my daughter so it must have been sometime in early March or April. My son was 11 years old, yeah, quit a difference of age between children but at least they both got my total attention, and they both had a lost of 'one on one'. They both had two different dads so that was the reason for why there was so many years between them.

Even though I was about to give birth, I still enjoyed being on the other end of those desperate phone calls that would come in. Some were prank calls but for the most they were hurting people in need of a miracle. I can recall praying with several who were about to kill themselves. Now that was a challenge to turn them around. And others were needing peace and comfort while going through a trial or pray for a lost loved one. I'll never forget praying with one girl who had so much guilt weighing on her from an 'abortion' that she had recently. I did my best to pray with her and I asked God to comfort her, but I didn't know what she was really feeling deep down inside.

I was pregnant and I just couldn't see how anyone could abort a life that was growing inside of them. I was a prayer warrior and I did a lot of intercessory prayer and I have prayed for just about everything out there, but for some reason I couldn't understand the pain that was in women who were going through this. I remember asking God to help me feel their pain so I could relate better to them.

Well, I had my baby girl in July of 1980; twenty-six years ago now. Matter of fact her birthday is six days, July 13th. Well all went well with the home birth. Yeah, three mid-wives and another nine or ten family members who were there to watch the show. It was amazing, several women were praying in tongues while she was being born. What an experience! She was a beautiful baby girl. An eight pound girl at that, who grew up into a beautiful young woman who now has three beautiful children of her own. Where did those years go??

She was almost three years old when her dad and I divorced. My oldest son lived with Charity and me at the time but he was getting into drugs and hanging out with some of his shady friends. He moved out because he didn't want to live under my rules and so we were all like 'scattered sheep' going our own ways. I was a single parent but I hated being single! I wanted to be with someone who wanted to settle down and be a family, a normal family, whatever 'normal' is?? It just wasn't happening for me!

I didn't drink but I loved to go out and dance on the weekends. My daughter spent the weekend with either her dad and his girlfriend or she would go to a sleep over at one of my girlfriend's house's. (We would trade out babysitting so we could go out.) One night while at a local dance club I met a guy, Tim. If you've read any of my other stories you would probably guess right if - I went home with him or - he went home with me. It was all about 'one night stands' then. I lived a dangerous life of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. If it was good sex, we stayed together, if not, 'SEE YA - NEXT!!' Looking back I can't imagine that I thought like that! So me and this guy ended up moving in together and stayed together for several years until one day he cheated on me with some girl from his work. I found out and told him to get out! I wasn't going to stay with someone who disrespected me like that. I guess I had the cart before the horse since I was living in sin and expecting to get respect! But none the less, if you cheat on me, you're gone!! Several weeks later I found out that I was pregnant! But I wasn't letting him back in for any reason!

I already had one son who was out there on the streets somewhere doing his own thing and a daughter, now six years old whom I wasn't getting child support for. I knew that there was 'no way' I was going to stay with any guy, not after they cheated on me. So I decided that I was going to get an 'abortion' and wipe out any memory of him in my life. I couldn't see raising yet another child alone without any help, so I took the easy way out. At least that's what I thought I was doing. It wasn't until after it was over that God reminded me about that time just several years earlier and how I had asked Him to help me to understand how that woman felt. I guess I should watch what I pray for!

I couldn't believe the guilt and shame that haunted me day and night from what I had done. How could I have done something that I was so against? I was a Christian - well at part-time Christian - but none-the-less, a Christian. Part of me was glad that I wasn't going to bring another child into this world without a dad around and part of me was sad because I love children so much and I really do believe in 'pro-life'. I just knew that after knowing God like I had known Him, He would never love me again. I felt so lost.

I asked the doctor after the abortion was over if it was a boy or a girl. He told me that the baby was a boy!

It took me a very long time to talk about it to anyone, except God. I had beat myself up with guilt asking God to forgive me for what I had done until one day a women asked me a very simple question - "How many children do you have?" I answered her back and for the first time ever I said, "TWO BOYS AND A GIRL". I added, "I have three children, two live here on earth with me and one lives in heaven with Jesus. It wasn't until I spoke those words that I felt God's love and mercy and I knew that I had truly been forgiven! I stopped being selfish and admitted I had made a bad judgment and there was FREEDOM knowing I was walking in the truth for a change.

I know what it feels like and if I could undo any part of my life, it would be that part. I had 'no right' to be so selfish to make a call like that. My son who lives in heaven would be close to twenty years old now and I have asked God let me know him someday - up there! I can't express to you enough to lay your hurt and pain at the feet of Jesus, what ever it is. There really isn't anyone else who will understand your pain. And if your heart hasn't been broken yet - then it needs to be broken before God! Un-bury those hurts and ask God to let 'His Light' shine on those hidden places that you have tucked away that no one knows about.

I'm not asking you to be as bold as I am about it, but over time you have allowed a 'scab' to cover that wound and it never really healed like it needed to. You aren't hiding anything from God - He knows everything! But you are keeping yourself from experiencing total forgiveness and God's mercy and love which surpasses the guilt you have been carrying around for all those years. I know you don't feel worthy of God's love and mercy, but none of us really are worthy or ever will be, so just get past the excuses! Freedom and forgiveness only come when you know that God's Spirit has been allowed to go into those dark places. And since Satan is the 'accuser of the brethren', we don't need to leave anything un-exposed to the light - ANYTHING !!

Just ask God to forgive you - and really pull it up from down deep in your gut, really mean it and allow God to do surgery on you and take out anything that doesn't belong there. He will bathe you in His mercy and love. If you need help doing that, email me and I will pray with you. Get healed so you can go help someone else - that is what 'MINISTRY' is all about! Now go and help someone else be set - 'FREE' - In Jesus Name.
Ministryofmentoring@hotmail.com